Can We Start Again, Please?
by firefighterdawson
Summary: We're not broken just bent, and we can learn to love again. S6 AU.


_A/N: This is something Heather and I have been planning since we first saw the promo for the finale. We have been working on this for forever but between our work schedules and the time difference we haven't had much time to write until now. With us both heading back to University and won't be working as much so we hope to be better about updating. (And just to let you guys know we haven't forgotten about SFTP. Chapter Three is 85% done and we are going to try to post it in the next week. Just a heads up this starts off a little AU and it's going to be our version of season six. The only thing you need to know is Gabby's dad never came to to stay with them so they weren't on bad terms before the fire. Remember, murder is wrong._

Chapter One: Throwing It All Away

 _Her breath catches in her throat as she takes in the scene before her. The building, alight with orange flames, burns bright against the slowly setting sun. Chaos urrounds her; paramedics dutifully attending to victims, firefighters waiting with baited breaths, their hands close to their radios. She stands, transfixed, staring at the entrance, hoping desperately that he will be the next to make it out._

 _The group watches as a figure emerges from the cloud of smoke, swiftly removing his SCBA mask and coughing, relishing in the clean Chicago air. He comes further forward, and Gabby recognises the figure as belonging to Otis. She takes a step forward as he approaches the Chief to give him an update on the situation inside, straining to hear his words over the roar of the fire and the commotion occurring behind her._

" _We got split up," he sighs, running a hand across his ashen face. "The roof started coming down and I got cut off from Mouch and Herrmann, I managed to backtrack and get back to the entrance. They said they were going to try and make it to the back exit."_

" _And the others?" Gabby asks, taking another step closer to the pair, desperate for news on one person in particular._

" _Casey and Kidd went upstairs, they could hear someone up there." Otis replies, pointing to a section of the building that had started to collapse, his eyes full of remorse._

 _Boden sees Gabby's hand shakily coming up to her radio out of the corner of his eye, and he places a hand out to stop her. "Lieutenant Casey, report."_

 _A response comes through the radio, but it is too garbled to understand._

" _Casey, please tell me you've found an exit."_

 _There is a moment more of static before a voice can be heard. "Chief. Casey and I are up on the second floor, but we're trapped."_

" _Gabby?" Comes Matt's voice, a few seconds later._

 _The use of her first name pales her, the realization that he is about to say goodbye hitting her with full force. She takes in a deep breath, needing to hold it together, needing to be strong for both of them. "Hey, baby, I'm here," she replies, hand clutching the radio, her voice shaking._

 _Severide comes up behind Gabby, a hand coming to rest on her shoulder, giving it a comforting squeeze._

" _Gabby," Matt's voice crackles through the radio, the vulnerability in his tone breaking her heart. "I love you."_

Gabby woke with a start, a thin layer of sweat covering her body. She took a few calming breaths, closing her eyes until her heart stopped racing. She reached an arm across the bed, feeling nothing but the cold, hard mattress beneath her fingertips.

The sound of footsteps drew her away from the empty space beside her, and she tried desperately to pull herself together. She inhaled deeply, holding her breath a moment before letting it out slowly, feeling some of the anxiety dissipate.

Her door swung open suddenly and she braced herself as the small figure clambered onto the bed. She pulled him into her arms, laughing as she teased, "The tickle monster's coming!"

She ran her hands up and down his sides, tickling him mercilessly until he cried out "Mommy, stop," between fits of giggles, his little hands grasping at hers.

She stopped her attack, one hand coming to rest on his stomach, the other running lightly through his hair. His stomach growled loudly and she chuckled, leaning down to place a kiss on his forehead. "Sounds like someone's ready for breakfast," she grinned, extracting herself from the bed sheets before lifting him up and settling him on her hip.

"Cake-cakes?" He asked, looking up at his mother with pleading eyes.

"Yes, we can have pancakes," she smiled, placing a chaste kiss to his forehead as they made their way into the kitchen.

She secured him in his high chair, passing him his favorite toy fire truck, which had been a welcome home gift from Severide, before moving to the kitchen to prepare the breakfast. She worked quickly, the recipe having been committed to memory long ago as a child. She couldn't wait until Louie was a little older so she involve him more in the cooking, just as her mother had done when she was young.

Once the pancakes were cooked, she chopped up a banana and put half on each plate before bringing them over to the table, drizzling a little syrup over Louie's pancakes and cutting it up into bite-sized pieces before setting the plate down in front of him. Gabby sighed as she doused her pancakes in syrup, the overwhelming feeling of being a single parent hitting her. She set the bottle down on the table, watching as Louie's little hands reached out. She quickly snatched it up, placing it safely out of the toddler's reach, smiling at the small pout that appeared on his face, the big brown orbs staring up at her almost enough to convince her to give in. She held her ground, telling Louie 'no', but she was unable to stop the smile that creeped onto her face as she watched her son's futile attempts to get his way. He gave in a moment or two later, turning his attention back to the pancakes and banana.

She ate a little more before pushing the plate away, her appetite not really there, her gaze falling on Louie as she watched him messily shove the pancakes into his mouth, smearing syrup all over his face. Gabby retrieved a wet cloth from the kitchen, wiping clean the syrup from his hands and face. She picked up her fork and began to feed him, and before long the plate was empty and Louie's was smiling contentedly. She kissed the top of his head as she stood, before grabbing their plates and heading back into the kitchen to wash up.

Their morning routine continued the same as most mornings, and soon Louie was dressed and playing quietly in the living room, as Gabby stood in front of the mirror, trying to decide what to do with her hair. She had settled on a bun and was sliding the last grip into place as the doorbell rang.

Gabby opened the door, ushering their guest inside, watching as Louie looked up from his toy trucks excitedly.

"Hi little man," Bonnie greeted, lifting Louie into her arms, before turning her attention back to Gabby. Bonnie took in her appearance, noting the bags under Gabby's eyes and the tension radiating off of her body. Bonnie knew the woman in front of her was juggling a lot of things at once, and the smile Gabby had plastered on her face wasn't fooling her. "Hey hun, how are you doing?"

Gabby knew that the woman in front of her wasn't just asking to be polite. Bonnie had been called on more and more in recent months, and, as much as she hated to admit it, the amount of time she had spent taking care of Louie, there was no way she hadn't picked up on the fact that Gabby was struggling to cope. Nevertheless, she smiled brightly. "I'm fine. But I should probably get going or I'm going to be late for shift."

"Say bye to mommy," Bonnie prompted.

"Bye-bye," Louie said quietly.

"I love you," Gabby smiled, blowing Louie a kiss, "And I'll see you in one sleep."

Gabby made her way quickly outside to her car, and climbed in. She turned the key in the ignition, looking across to see the time before letting out a frustrated sigh. She really needed to get the car into the garage and get the broken clock looked at.

She grabbed her phone out of her pocket and hit the home button, she was really cutting it close this morning. Her breath caught in her throat as her gaze fell over the lockscreen image. It was a photo of Matt and Louie, taken shortly after they had gotten him back. The photo had been taken without them knowing, and she loved the way it captured their natural smiles as Matt gave Louie a piggyback ride. The whole of 51 had gathered for the annual family barbeque, the atmosphere light.

Louie had lost so many people in his short life, and when he had come back into their lives following Andre's death, he reminded her of the timid, scared little boy that was afraid to crawl to her in that burning building almost a year ago. He was so lost when they were reunited, she was afraid that he would never feel safe and loved. But the smile on his face the day of the barbeque; it was so light and joyful and it gave Gabby hope that the little boy she loved so much was going to be ok.

The adjustment period when they had first gotten Louie back been difficult. There is nothing harder as a parent than watching your child in pain, and Matt and Gabby had felt helpless to change it. They had struggled a lot in the first few weeks, adapting to life as a family with such a traumatized young child, but they had faced it as a family and now Louie was thriving.

So much had changed since then and it terrified Gabby that she was now facing a future alone.

* * *

His heart was pounding in his ears as his feet kept their steady beat on the pavement. The aching in his calves grew in intensity with every step he took, but still he pushed onwards, willing his body to cooperate. It wasn't until he felt that he was about to pass out that he stopped, using a nearby tree for support as he tried to control his ragged breathing. His legs feeling like jelly, he slowly lowered himself to the ground, willing his heart to slow its erratic beating.

He knew what would happen if anyone knew he was out here. He'd be on the receiving end of yet another stupid speech. ' _Don't push yourself', 'you need time to heal', 'recovery doesn't happen overnight'._ It was always the same.

His body now returning to some form of equilibrium, he pushed off the tree and stood, zipping his jacket up and stuffing his hands in his pockets in a futile attempt to stave off the negative temperatures. He checked the time on his phone, a small sigh of relief escaping his lips as he realised Gabby would already have left for work by the time he made it back. A part of him felt guilty, he knew that avoiding her was hurting not just her, but their son too... but seeing her just reminded him of how angry he was; not at her, but at what she represented.

As a firefighter, he was always prepared to make the ultimate sacrifice. Every time he put his mask on and walked into a burning building, he knew there was a possibility that he wouldn't come out. He'd made peace with that a long time ago. But what he had never considered was the possibility that he would walk into the building, make it out alive, but not be able to be a firefighter anymore. He felt like he had lost a part of himself that day, and they just didn't understand what that was like. He knew they meant well, but he couldn't help resenting them for it. He was sick of his friends, who got to lead a normal life, telling him how to cope with the fact that he couldn't anymore. It was even worse when it was his wife doing the lecturing. She tried with him, she really did. But she couldn't understand why he was so angry. He got that she thought he was going to die and he didn't, but his world had been turned upside down and the truth was that hers hadn't. She got to go into work every day and be surrounded by their friends. He got to go into work and be surrounded by politics. The differences he had made as Alderman humbled him, but he didn't have the same passion for politics as he had for being a firefighter.

As he made his way up to their door, he grabbed his keys from his pockets, a voice up ahead startling him.

"Hey stranger," came the familiar voice, and Matt looked up to meet the eyes of Kelly Severide.

"Aren't you supposed to be on shift?" Matt muttered, moving past Severide to the door. Anticipating the cold shoulder treatment, Severide had strategically stood close to the entrance offering Matt no option other than to let Severide follow him into the apartment.

"I got time," Severide replied, following Matt into the kitchen and watching as he poured himself a glass of orange juice.

Severide took in Matt's appearance as he stood, waiting, hoping his friend would be the one to break the silence. It had been weeks since Severide had last seen Matt, and a rough beard adorned his face. Between the beard and the bags under his eyes, Matt looked older, as though it had been years since the fire, not six months.

When it became clear that Matt was going to continue to give him the silent treatment, he cleared his throat. "You should come by the firehouse," he started, watching as Matt tried to walk away. "The guys really miss you."

Matt spun on his heels to face Severide, "Did you come by _just_ to say that?" he asked pointedly, watching as shock flashed over Severide's face. "It wasn't worth the drive."

Severide sighed, realizing that he was going to have to change tactics. "I get it, you're angry. I've been there, remember?" he said pointedly. "You and I are the same, Matt; we push everyone away when we don't want to deal with our shit. But, if you don't stop shutting everyone out sooner or later, you're going to lose more than just your career."

Severide's words hung in the air, both men well aware of the person he was really referring to. Matt shot Severide a cold look. "You should go," he replied, his voice dripping with hostility.

"OK," he relented, raising his hands, "I'm going." He made his way to the door, before turning back to his friend. "But the offer still stands. They miss you."

* * *

Gabby pulled her phone out of her pocket, sighing as she noted that it had only been 5 minutes since the last time she checked. She wasn't stupid, she knew Matt was doing everything she could to avoid her, but a small part of her hoped he'd surprise her. It seemed like, for the last six months, all she was doing was waiting for him to wake up from the funk he was in. But as more time went on, it was harder for her to hold onto hope that things were going to get better.

Around her, the members of truck 81 were animatedly telling the story of some call they had been on, but Gabby was too distracted to pay attention. She wandered over to the coffee pot, pouring herself a fresh cup and taking a long sip, relishing in the feeling of the warm liquid as it passed her lips. She turned as she felt a pair of eyes on her, and came face-to-face with her partner.

"Late night?" Brett inquired.

"What?" Gabby replied, not quite following the question.

"Well, that's your third cup this morning," she said pointedly, "and it's only ten thirty."

Gabby gave a slight smile in response, knowing what her friend was insinuating but saddened that she couldn't be farther from the truth. Before she could reply, the buzzing of her phone interrupted them, and she excused herself.

"Hey, Bonnie, what's up? Is everything ok?" It was unusual for Bonnie to call Gabby when she was on shift.

"Yeah, everything is fine. There was something I forgot to mention this morning." She paused, taking a breath. Bonnie felt bad, knowing how stressed Gabby had been lately. "I have a friend coming into town so I can't take Louie on Friday. I hate canceling this late, but they are only here for the weekend."

"Don't worry about it," Gabby replied biting her lip anxiously. She hadn't been working at Molly's as much lately, and the others hadn't said anything, but she felt guilty for not pulling her weight. She'd really been hoping to come in on Friday to get some hours in. "I'm sure Antonio can take him. He's always complaining about not getting enough 'guy time' with his nephew."

After hanging up with Bonnie, Gabby dialed Antonio's number. Within two rings Gabby heard her brother's voice on the other end of the line.

"Hey sis." he greeted. "You're not canceling on me tonight are you?"

"No. I just need a favor." Gabby replied.

"Yeah, what's up?" She could hear the typing in the background indicating he was at the station.

"What do you say about having some guy time with your favorite nephew on Friday night?" she asked hopefully.

"Hot date?" her brother teased. She could picture the smirk on his face.

"Something like that," Gabby joked, awkwardly. She tries to mask her unease at the question, but her brother knew her well; it was only a matter of time before he outright asked her what was going on.

After hanging up, Gabby ran into Brett on her way to the kitchen.

"I was just headed to restock the ambo. Join me?" Brett asked her friend.

Gabby was grateful for the silence as they worked, both concentrating as they inventoried the ambulance. Usually, the atmosphere was light, the pair making small-talk as they worked, but today Brett had picked up on Gabby's mood and was allowing her friend to have some space, being worried about Gabby, but knowing it wasn't in her nature to talk about something before she was ready.

"You guys don't seem to be able to catch a break today, huh?"

Brett looked up from her clipboard, catching Severide walking towards them. Severide came to a halt in front of them and, seeing the serious expression on his face directed towards Gabby, Brett sensed that he wanted to talk to her alone. She excused herself, explaining that it was Cruz's turn to cook so she'd better go save the meal before it was too late.

"Hey," he greeted, "how are you holding up."

"I'm fine," she replied, a little too forcefully. Severide shot her a knowing look and she relented. "Louie asked me why 'Daddy's never home.'"

"Oh," he sighed, somewhat taken aback. Severide took a seat on the ambulance step. "What did you tell him?"

She shrugged. "I told him 'Daddy's working really hard right now but you'll see him soon'." She paused, taking a seat next to him. "Why do I feel like I keep lying to my kid?" she sighed, trying desperately to keep the emotion out of her voice.

Severide wrapped an arm around Gabby's shoulders, rubbing his hand soothingly in a futile attempt to console her. Unlike everyone else in the firehouse, he knew what the Casey family had been going through since the accident, and he hated seeing his two best friends struggling.

"It's not going to be like this forever, he just needs time." Severide offered.

"It's been six months, Kelly," she explained exasperatedly, "how much longer do you expect me to give him. If it were just me, it would be different, but I have to think about our son. He deserves better."

Severide sighed in frustration. Matt was his best friend, but the way he had been acting the past six months was unfair to his family. Severide understood; when he had his shoulder injury, he had done everything possible to avoid dealing with it, and in doing so had almost driven Shay away. If Matt wasn't careful, he was going to end up doing the same.

"I went by the house this morning." At Gabby's confused expression he added, "It was after you had left."

"I'm sure that went well." Gabby replied, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

"I think I'm starting to get through to him." Gabby shot him a sceptical look.

Severide held up his hands, "He didn't shut the door in my face this time."

"That might have been enough a few months ago, but it isn't now." She sighed, standing up. "I'm going to go see if lunch is ready."

Severide watched her walk away, realizing he wasn't going to get anymore out of his friend. Gabby had been understanding for so long, but he feared she was reaching her breaking point. Severide just hoped Matt would get his wake-up call sooner rather than later.

* * *

Matt sighed as he put the last few items back into his bag. It had been a long day, and all the aldermen were beginning to file out of the room, leaving just Matt and a few others.

"Hey, Alderman Casey." Matt looked up to see Alderman Blakeslee walking towards him. He plastered his 'politician smile', as Gabby had named it, onto his face as he approached.

"Alderman Blakeslee," he acknowledged. After the day he'd had, talking to Blakeslee was the last thing Matt wanted to do.

"Listen, I know I was critical of this bill to begin with." Matt had to hold in an eye roll at the man's words. "But it's really going to help a lot of people, nice work," the Alderman praised.

"Thanks. The goal was always to help." He extended a hand out, which Blakeslee accepted.

"Well, I'm sure you're wanting to get home to your family. I won't keep you," Blakeslee said, pulling his jacket on. Matt nodded at him before turning to grab his own coat off the chair, watching as the other man walked away.

How ironic that he should be passing a bill that helped first responders right after he'd lost his job as one. Blakeslee's argument that Casey would be benefitting from the bill had become null following the fire. In fact, Matt had become an example of why the bill was so necessary; his fellow committee members had all seen the toll the fire had had on Matt and his family.

Matt knew he should feel proud of the work he had done, and part of him did, but it was also a painful reminder of the hell he'd been going through the past six months.

Unable to put it off any longer, Matt started to head towards the parking lot. Work was nice; it was an escape from what his life had now become. Going home meant facing reality.

* * *

Tuesday evening Gabby found herself sitting around Antonio's kitchen table; something which had become a weekly ritual following Matt's accident. Matt was away from home so much, and even when he was there it wasn't like it was before the fire. And so it was nice for Gabby to have the stability and support from her older brother.

She was brought out of her daze by laughter from the pair, who were currently preparing dessert together. Antonio had roped Louie into helping him top the ice cream sundaes, and was just starting to clear away the topping when Louie had grabbed hold of the chocolate syrup bottle. There was more syrup on Louie's hands and face than in the bowls, and the adults couldn't help but laugh at the sight of the toddler. Antonio grabbed a cloth and began wiping the chocolate off the boy, tickling his sides when he was done, before bringing him back to sit at the table to enjoy dessert.

Gabby smiled, watching the interaction; her first real smile of the day. Antonio was great with Louie, it almost made up for the instability in her home, which she knew her brother had picked up on. Antonio was supporting her, like he always had, but he wasn't pushing her for details, knowing she would come to him when she was ready.

As Louie ate, the siblings made small talk about their respective days. Their conversations were always interesting due to the nature of their jobs, and the fact that the pair were both such animated storytellers. Aware that Antonio had stopped listening to her, Gabby turned her head to see what had caused his change in focus and his amused expression. The sight of her son caused a smile to form slowly on her face, as she watched him slowly falling asleep, his head drooping dangerously close to his almost-empty bowl.

"I think it's time to get someone to bed," Gabby half-laughed, pushing her chair back and standing up.

"No," Louie insisted forcefully, now seemingly wide awake. Gabby and Antonio fought back laughs, knowing that Louie picking up on their amusement wouldn't help get him to bed.

Gabby moved over to Louie and lifted him into her arms before turning back to her brother. "'No' has become his favorite word."

"Already?" Antonio smirked, "I wonder who he got that from?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Gabby refuted, feigning innocence. Antonio held up his hands in mock surrender, unable to hold in his laughter.

"Shut up." Gabby said, scowling. Moments later, a smile broke out and she joined in with his laughter.

"Hey, I'm not saying it's a bad thing. Only four and he's ready to take on the world. He's a true Dawson."

Antonio was one of the many people in Louie's life that felt deeply protective of him. Gabby felt bad for anyone who had the courage to ever say to Antonio's face that Louie wasn't a real part of their family simply because he wasn't her's biologically. Gabby was proud of how everyone in her life had embraced Louie with open arms. Gabby looked down at the toddler, whose head was now resting in the crook of Gabby's neck, the young boy giving in to his sleepiness. Gabby leaned her head against his contentedly.

"We should get going," Gabby sighed. "Besides, Matt is probably waiting for us."

Antonio smiled softly, but Gabby could tell he wasn't convinced. He approached them, placing a kiss to Louie's forehead, before turning and doing the same to Gabby's. "Drive safe, sis. And text me when you get home."

"Will do." Gabby replied, zipping up Louie's jacket, before braving the cold Chicago air.

* * *

Gabby sighed as she looked at the pile of dishes still to be washed. It felt as though there weren't enough hours in a day to get everything done. After dropping a few plates in to soak, she stepped back and wiped her hands on a dish cloth, just as she heard the turning of a key in the lock, followed by the opening of the front door to the apartment. She took a seat at the table, flipping her book open randomly and feigning interest in the words on the page.

Matt walked into the kitchen a few moments later, depositing his jacket and bag on a chair before making his way over to her. He leaned in and placed a quick kiss to her cheek, before resting his head on her shoulder. Matt could feel the tension radiation off her body.

"Louie?" He asked.

"Finally got him down an hour ago." She replied, wearily, her eyes never leaving the book.

A flash of guilt crossed Matt's face for a moment. He turned, moving to the coffee pot to pour himself a cup.

"It's kinda late for coffee, isn't it?" Gabby asked, awkwardly. Gabby closed the book and pushed the chair back before making her way over to him.

"I still have a lot of paperwork to finish for the new youth center." He explained, passing by her as she leaned uncomfortably against the counter.

Gabby watched him start to head out toward the office area and took a deep breath for courage before she spoke. "Are we ever going to talk about this?"

"What?" He asked, turning back to her, his face showing signs of confusion.

"You are never home anymore," she began.

"Gabby-," he interrupted, his tone clear in it's attempts to shut her down.

"When was the last time you were home in time to tuck Louie into bed?"

"You know I've been working a lot," he replied, looking down.

"It seems like all you do is work," she replied, unable to keep the hostility from her voice.

"What do you want me to do? Sit around here all day doing nothing?" Matt said, his voice rising in agitation.

"Spending every waking hour away from everyone who cares about you isn't going to make up for what you lost." She approached him carefully.

"That was low." Matt's face hardened, and Gabby knew she had struck a nerve.

"I am not trying to hurt you. But, Matt, you have a beautiful son, and you're missing out on all of it." She emphasized.

She expected some kind of reaction from him, but his emotionless expression left her disappointed. "We took Louie in because we knew we could give him a better life. But right now we're letting him down, and he deserves more than this."

"What do you want from me?"

"I want you to care." She half-yelled, finally releasing the anger that had been building up. She rubbed her temple, her head bent low, trying to compose herself by taking deep breaths. Finally, she looked back up at him.

"You just don't get it," he shot back, no trace of his usual warmth in his voice. "I lost everything in that fire, and you expect me just to move on?"

"Everything?" She replied quietly, the devastation written clearly across her face. She felt like she had been punched in the gut, Matt had never been this heartless before. "So Louie and I are what? Nothing?"

"You know I didn't mean it like that." He shot back defensively.

"How did you mean it then?" she asked, almost daring him to rise to the bait. She watched as he clenched and unclenched his hands at his sides. It looked like he was going to say something, but he bit his tongue, taking a breath to compose himself.

"I'm not dealing with you when you're being like this." He replied, heading for the doorway. He turned back to her in the threshold. "I have work to do, don't wait up."

She was quiet a few moments, trying to think of the words to say next. "Matt," she called out, watching as he stopped in his tracks, but failed to turn back. "I need my husband back. Louie needs his father back. But I don't know who you are right now."

Matt continued walking away. Gabby watched him go before letting out a frustrated sigh, kicking a nearby chair. She heard the slam of a door in the distance. The resounding silence was deafening.


End file.
